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Saturday, May 2nd, 2009
11:03 am
I haven`t written here all year. I don't exactly know what happened, but I seem to have become a lot less interactive lately. I will try to make an effort from now on again. Sometimes I sit and read all my old entries, and wonder where life went. I can feel myself into those situations again, the frustration over emotionally challenged boys, the hopelessness of being stuck here and knowing I have a lot more time to go.

Now I am 25, I celebrated it in Africa, Gambia to be exact, by drinking cocktails in the pool bar, and tanning by the pool. My boyfriend was also there with me, and it was all I wanted. 25 comes with a new responsibility, mid-twenties. I am closer to 30 than to 20, and I wish life could just stop now, I don't want to grow up just yet. Where did my life go? I am terrified of everything that is grown-up. Except for living on my own, and not have my mother in my face all day.
My father calls me every Wednesday, and always seems to ask me the same thing; if I am thinking of having children yet, what about settling down here for real, get a full-time job?
Why?? Why would I? To me, that's my biggest nightmare, right now. In some years, I'll probably want all of that, but for now, it still is not at all the thing for me.

I am graduating next month, I will have a bachelor's degree, and 90% of the people in my class already got full-time jobs. The other 9.5% are studying more, and then there's me. The one who hasn't committed to anything.

It's been so long since I have had this freedom, I don't have anything that makes me stay here anymore, I am done. The options are endless. It's somewhat scary as well..

Then there's the boyfriend, or partner, or whatever you call the person you live with in English. We've lived together for 6 months now, and I feel like living together is both good and bad. It takes a lot to get used to each other's habits and quirks, and a lot of adjusting. Especially when your boyfriend has never even been in anything like a relationship before, and is used to doing just whatever he wants without considering anyone else. It hasn't been easy, but I guess it isn't meant to be easy either. Sometimes I feel like we know each other too well now, and that we have more of a sibling relationship. Sometimes I think that this is not it at all, and sometimes I think I can't possibly meet anyone else like him ever again in my life. It's scary to think that this might be it, that all of a sudden, a year and a half ago, I was just not supposed to ever be single again, and do and go wherever I wanted.

The plan is to move to Australia in October, I take everything day by day, and even if I go, there's no saying I'll never live in Norway again. You never know what happens and where life brings you, so we'll just see. Everything is an adventure, and that's the way you gotta live.

Other times, I am so frustrated that the best idea seems to go live on Bali with my girls, and just surf, party, tan, and have fun. Or get a working visa somewhere, and start a new life.

I guess a lot depends on how things are going over this summer. In any way, I am staying here until the autumn comes again, and then I am out of here...maybe for good.

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Wednesday, December 31st, 2008
11:15 am - The years pass by way too fast
It says that it's been 10 weeks since I last wrote here, that is probably the longest it's ever been. I don't know why I suddenly stopped, the only reason I can give is that my boy came, and my world was turned upside down.
After 5 months and a week, I stood nervously at the airport waiting, his plane was late, then a little bit more late, and it dragged on, until I suddenly saw him again. Wearing a jacket. I'd never seen him wearing a jacket before. At that moment, when I kissed him again, all my doubts and fears flew away. Those 5 months were definately worth it. An hour and a half in a car was way too long, and it felt like my first time when we made love again.

2 and half months later, he's still here, with no plans to leave. He got a job quite easily, and even though I know he'll never want to spend another winter in Norway ever again, I think he'll stay until I finish school. It's not that I don't understand, coz I do, completely. The feeling that came when I was about 12, that this is not the place for me, is still here, stronger than ever. The winter makes everything stop, and the one thing that you could always rely on coming, snow, is no longer something you can expect. My one joy in winter, going skiing through fairytale forests, is no longer something I take for granted. Global warming has fucked up this place, and Norwegian politics is fucking this country up even more. I want to leave before everyone else realizes that there's so much better places out there.

Tomorrow is a new year, it feels refreshing, mostly because I have no idea where it's ending. I know that the 5 first months will be spent here, finishing my bachelor degree, and the probably the 3 summer months will also be spent here. Enjoying endless summer nights maybe for the last time. After that, I will be gone, I am not still exactly sure where, when and with who I am going, but I will go. Plans are in the making, and I feel blessed to have a world of opportunities ahead of me.

2008 has been a very good year for me. It started on the other side of the world, in Sydney, Australia, with random people I got to know in New Zealand. I missed my boyfriend who I'd just left, and knew there was another 2 and half months until I'd see him again.
2 and a half months of backpacking through wonderful Asia, with wonderful friends followed. Malaysia, Brunei, Cambodia, Vietnam, Philippines, Laos and Thailand. I spent 3 days in a jungle, being sweatier than imaginable, sleeping caves, surrounded by tigers. Then I climbed a mountain of 4095 meters, and the feeling of being able to do anything when I stood at the top in the sunrise at 7 am in the morning, was priceless.
Walking trugh ancient temples in Angkor, Cambodia, freezing in Vietnam, karaoke at every stop in the Philippines, tubing and turning 24 years old in Laos. Then goodbye in Bangkok..
Only to say hello to my boy again a couple of hours later on Bali. 2 months spent on a sail boat with 3 men. An experience I will never forget, sailing through remote Indonesian islands, but also an experience I will never repeat, and people I never want to meet again.
Fast forward May 16th, I kiss him for the last time in a very long time. I didn't know then, how long it would be. Crying as I go to the airport, knowing I'm about to go home, after 7 and a half months away.
May 17th, in Sydney first, fire, drama, not what I expected..
May 20th, I walk on Norwegian soil again, empty, cold, lost... But somehow the summer went fast, earning money again, seeing my friends.
By the end of August, school starts, new class, I like them, classes are interesting, and I am positive about the final year. Practice work, kindergarten burned down, too manye fires in too short time. Drama again, but things work out, and by the end of my practice period, he finally gets here, definately not too early.
A month earlier I moved into our apartment, for the first time I have a place I can call my own. I love it, and I've never missed home before until now. It's cozy and small, but central and warm. I have a home, that is mine, and I can do whatever I want to do here.
The last couple of months have gone fast. All of a sudden I live with my boyfriend, officially. Grown up..
I passed my oral exam, Christmas is over...
And tonight I will be able to kiss my boyfriend at the stroke of midnight, as 2009 starts. The year of opportunities.. I can't wait!
Happy New Year's!

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Wednesday, October 15th, 2008
6:29 pm
Exactly one year ago, to the hour, I was walking down a beach on Cook Islands. Louise and I had just arrived on our first, of 5 Pacific Islands, that we were going to. Our expectations were high, but at the same time we had no clue what to expect. I certainly did not expect that I'd meet my new boyfriend that morning.
After 10 hours on a plane from Los Angeles, we were jetlagged and tired, but with no available room yet for us at the hostel, we walked barefeet in the sand down to the beach. Somewhere along the way, a curly, blonde head pops up from a hammock, and an Australian accented voice asks what the time is. "It's 7 am", I answer, then realize how cute this boy actually is. There's a smile, and we continue our way down to the beach. The Australian boy gets up, and follows us. His curly, sun bleached hair, is messy. He smells of alcohol,and is probably still drunk. He starts asking me questions, and we talk, for a long time. Just like that, this boy I have never seen before, but we have some sort of chemistry that I haven't felt in so long. And although everything in me tells me that I should be careful, coz he's just the sort of charming player with a girlfriend in every port, some little part of me feels like there might be something more to him.

It's our anniversary today, I'm alone in our apartment in Norway..
He's asleep on the other side of the world. This is not how I wanted our first anniversary to be like..
But who said that love is easy, it definitely isn't for me. I hope he's worth the wait.

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Sunday, August 24th, 2008
10:28 am
I got home at 5 am this morning, and funny thing is I can't quite remember how time went so fast before that.. I'm at Elisabeth's place, drinking wine, and obviously getting a little bit too drunk coz of stupid jelly shots I made last weekend,but never ate, coz we made tacos and went to bed.

So all I remember is being at Lauritz all night, and several people asking me whether I am alone, and I guess I was, because noone else from the pre party were there. I remember chatting along with one of the uncles in the kindergarten for a very long time, and he's being very friendly and all, until he says something, to which I reply that I have a boyfriend, and he becomes very embarassed. He goes on about how embarassed he is and I don't really care. So he gives me his phone number, but why do I really need it?

I meet everyone possible, some guy whose birthday party I went to this summer. I had a drinkin my hand at one point, not sure who bought it for me, but it might have been my ex-boyfriend who was also there.
I had a long talk with a girl called Kristine, who I played handball with when I was 10, and she told me to come to the handball training at Wednesday, 7.30, don't forget it! I said I definately would, but now I am not so sure....

Everyone I thought would be out, were not out, and my plans of getting a pirate taxi home with them, did not happen. Somewhere along the line, I meet Kenneth, and he is my saviour. We leave an overcrowded Lauritz for an after party that I really have no interest in going to, but his phone is there and we need to get it before we go home. Everytime I meet him, the first thing he asks me is whether I am still with the boyfriend, and when I say yes, he gets that disappointed look. It's like he is actually serious this time, but why are they all so serious when it's too late? I still stick with him, because I don't want to take a taxi home all by myself. So I get stuck at a lame after party, with stupid blondes and guys I really have no interest in talking to or getting to know. Oh, you are from the same place as me? Wow, I couldn't care less. You're life seems completely meaningless to me , and you're not impressing me by telling me about your lame 9 to 5 job, and that you're still living there. If the place where we grew up is the only thing we have in common, then we probably will never be friends, nor anything else, if that's what you hoped for!

Everyone thinks that Kenneth and I are a couple, and I can't be bothered to tell them otherwise.. We used to be, once upon a time, kind of, but the whole story is too complicated to get into. I tell one person that my real boyfriend is actually on his way to Australia, and he just looks at me, and asks me why I am there. Good question, but it's not like I had planned to be stuck at an after party with these people, all I wanted to was to go home. And finally we do.
We get a taxi, and Kenneth's going to some other after party, he wants me to come. He wants me to go home with him, so he can sleep next to me and put his arms around me, and no matter how nice that is, and no matter how much I miss that, his arms are not the arms I want around me..

So we say goodbye, and the foreign taxi driver, drives me home at 5 am in the morning. Leaving me with the stupid bill, and Kenneth didn't come close to giving me enough cash for his part, so I am bitter, and call him. I tell him he owes me a pizza, my favourite pizza which is right next to his apartment. A nice, big vegetarian pizza.. Yeah right, that is never happening..

So I wake up, and I am probably still drunk, and I miss waking up next to mye boyfriend on Sunday mornings.. On every morning really.. 37 more days..

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Wednesday, August 20th, 2008
5:58 pm
My final and last year of Uni started yesterday, and now my life is completely back to where I left it a little bit over a year ago. But this time I am filled with enthusiasm, rather than restlessness. I hope that will last..

One more year here at home in a small, lost Norwegian town, and I can leave, forever if I want to, I don't ever have to come back. The world is at my feet. Well, it always is anyways, but in a year I'll have a bachelor degree to go with it. I can actually work and live somewhere, start a new life. I am filled with hope and excitement for where I will be in exactly one year. What are my plans? Where am I going? With who?

My life this summer has been next to nothing. I don't even know what I have been doing. My life is on hold, and has been since I got home. My priority has been to earn money, and the only fun I have allowed myself was a day at a water fun park. That was indeed a perfect day.
Not many drunken weekends, and the few ones I have had, I've spent talking to a boy who wears cardigans. While Joey has been hooking up with the most psycho guy I have ever met, I've been stuck with his more sane best friend. Stuck with doesn't describe it though, I have enjoyed my last month of Saturday nights with him. I've gotten to know this new person so well, and I enjoy that. We sit at the bar drinking while discussing life and love and everything in between, until we're kicked out coz they're closing. It's suddenly 3.30 am, time flies, and now I can't imagine a Saturday night without him.

There were over 3 weeks of absolute silence from my boy.. My phone came with me everywhere, but he didn't call, and somehow I got sick of it all.. I came to the point where I didn't feel like I had a boyfriend anymore. Then he called me at 3 am in the morning,from the boat, on the satellite phone that costs 20 dollars a minute. They never went to Hawaii coz of 4 hurricanes, they had to backtrack a thousand nautical miles to stay alive, and he still loved me as much as before. That was all I ever needed..

He called me again this morning. All safe and sound on Christmas Island in Kiribati, middle of the Pacific Ocean. They made it there in one piece, are stocking up on food and fuel, then going on to Samoa. And when they get there, he promises he'll be in Norway within the next month.. I have no issues with waiting for him. I could proobably wait for him another 3 months, there is absolutely nothing here at home that is even remotely interesting. I'm so through with Norwegian boys. Never again..
He is the one I love and the only one I want. He is the one I want to spend the rest of my life with, and that's something I have never felt before..ever...

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Thursday, July 17th, 2008
10:23 pm
I am so tired of being sad, I have no energy left. It's draining everything out of me. I cry for no reason all the time, and I am bitter at everything that has to do with love and happy couples..
It feels like I've been dumped..

He called me, drunk from the gutter outside his house on Saturday. He went on about how I was the one thing in his life that kept him going these days, that whenever he thinks of me, he smiles, and how I'm the one he wants to spend the rest of his life with. He even said that he doesn't look at me as his girlfriend anymore, but his partner. I started laughing, he knows how I feel about the word partner, so he changed it to his life partner. I thought that was cute..

That was our last proper call. There was a storm and phone lines were down for several days, and when we talked again,we were cut off mid-way, and I never got to tell him that I love him before he left Australia.
He's somewhere flying over the Pacific ocean right about now, and for the next two months we'll barely be able to talk...

I don't know how I'll get through this..

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Thursday, July 10th, 2008
8:55 pm - That's what it's like to be with a sailor...
He wakes me up before 7 am in the morning, I answer the phone half asleep, and what he tells me is the almost the worst possible thing he possibly could tell me...

He's not coming until mid-September. Someone offered him a job on a yacht going from San Diego and all across the Pacific Ocean, then back to Australia. They'll be stopping off in Hawaii, Kiribati, Samoa, Fiji and maybe New Caledonia. He'll make lots of money, he had to say yes, the decision has already been made. I say nothing, what is there to be said? Instead I start crying, and it's the first time I've cried since I left him almost 2 months ago in his apartment in Airlie Beach... Two more months, four months altogether, it's too long, just too long..

I don't say much, there's nothing I want to say. I feel heartbroken, even though I still have him. I tell him I have to think about this, and we hang up..

The day at work goes on forever, I'm constantly almost crying, and every second goes to thinking about him and our relationship. I can't even hear the children screaming and crying. This isn't the sort of relationship I want, to not see my boyfriend for 4 months, that's not a relationship to me. Not only that, but we won't be able to talk most of the time, maybe once every other week, he says. Just when I thought he couldn't get further away, he does, he'll go as far away as he possibly can, and next Thursday I'll say goodbye to him again, and it'll hurt as much as it did when I was there saying goodbye to his face..

I go through every option, and a part of me thinks that we should break up. I'll dump him, forget him, start over again here at home. What a fool I was to even think a holiday romance could be anything more. Haven't I learned by now that love and me don't belong. It never works out for me, it's never easy, never..

By the end of the day, I've realized that breaking up with someone I don't want to break up with, would be the stupidest thing to do. To breakup with someone I love, who loves me back. To him, this wasn't a problem, he's moving out of his apartment right now, coz he won't be going back, he'll be going straight to Norway. It's up to me to decide whether I can do this. And I have to, if I want to be with him, I have to.. I don't want to stop him from doing anything, I only want to be a good thing in his life, and I know he'd be excited for me if it was the other way around. I guess he's a better person than me..

What am I missing out on here at home anyways? I don't ever want to be single here again, I don't ever want to go back to the way things were. They might all be in love with me now, but I know the story, I know them, I know what it would be like. I know them all too well, and why would anything have changed, it's only been 8 months..

I talk to him again that night, and I tell him I'll wait for him. I don't want anyone else than him.. He says he knows we'll always be together, and that in a lifetime, two more months isn't that long. He's so sure of everything, he's always been, as if he just knew from the moment we met. that we'd always be together. He trusts me like noone's ever trusted me, he loves me like noone's ever loved me. He tells me he hasn't even looked at another girl since he saw me for the first time, coz noone else matters anymore, and reminds me of his philosophy on love; he knows he'll only be in love once, and when he first says I love you to someone, it'll be the one. I'm the one, he loves me, he's never loved anyone before, he's never trusted anyone like this before. If he ever gets married, it would be to me, on Rarotonga, Cook Islands.. 4 months can't change his feelings, a whole lifetime can't, he'll love me forever..
I feel like a horrible person for ever doubting him, us, our relationship. I can't picture my life without him, but I've experienced enough in life to be cynical enough to know that nothing lasts forever.. I feel like a horrible girlfriend, for not being supporting, for doubting the strenght of our relationship..

Yesterday I tell him I want him to commit to something in Norway, I need to know he'll be here, I need to know he'll stay with me. But he can't, he says, he doesn't want to commit to the part time job I found for him. He's not the commiting type, I just have to trust him, he'll come to Norway, and he'll do his best. I tell him that sometime in his life, he'll need to commit to something. He asks me whether I'm trying to give him life lessons, coz he doesn't need that, the only thing he ever has, and will, commit to, is me.. He's won me over, the conversation's over..
That's what he was like when I met him, and that's what he'll always be like. I can't change him, and one should never try to change the one you love, coz that's who you fell in love with in the first place. All I can do is trust him, and see where our lives will take us, hopefully somewhere together..

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Sunday, June 22nd, 2008
11:47 am
So I get drunk, possibly too drunk last night. On a farm with Lina, and lots of other people, most of them, I don't know that well, but I still know who they are coz that's what it's like where I live. Things are blurry for most of the night. I hang out with Glenn a lot, my Glenn, the boy who will always in some way be in my life. He's friendly, friendlier than his girlfriend would like, but she's not there, and there's always been something between us, and probably always will be...
Nothing happens, of course, we just talk about the old days, about anything and everything.

Some time, Knut gets there, Dag's best friend Knut. I sit down with him for a while, and we talk, about this and that, and suddenly he mentions that he knows I went swimming with Dag. Ok.. He tells me Dag is in love with me. I'm not even surprised, I always knew that he liked me, but he's too scared to show it. I can see straight through him, and even though he's been vague and closed most of the time, I always knew. But there's only so much I can do, and I did exactly that, eveyrhting I possibly could.. Or maybe I didn't, I'd just like to think so.
It's too late, it's just too late. I tell Knut that I was in love with Dag too, and that I tried, I really tried. He understands and says that Dag is just weird and scared.

Funny thing, I feel nothing, no excitement, no butterflies, nothing.... Because it is too late..

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Tuesday, June 17th, 2008
10:28 pm
Thirteen degrees and rain, that's my Norwegian summer.. But who am I to complain when I've been lazing around on beautiful beaches the last 7 months? If this summer becomes like the last one, I see that as my final cue as to leave for good come next summer.

I went to look at an apartment today, it was perfect, I just felt like home there, and that rarely happens. I didn't get it.. I never do.. It makes me wonder what I am doing wrong, why I'm never even considered to live in someone else's apartment. Is there something about the way I present myself that gives the wrong impression? I don't know.. I try to tell myself that everything happens for a reason, and that I haven't gotten the last ones because there is another one out there that will be the one for me.
That's what happened with the boys anyways, if it had worked out with any of the boys here at home, I would never have gone around the world, and I would never have met Bobby, who is by far the most interesting guy I have ever met, and one of the few boys I've felt a connection with as soon as I met them.. Everything does happen for a reason, if you just let them.. Most people think I'm silly when I say that, but I truly believe in that. It makes all the negative things that happen, more positive in a way.

My life is slowly getting back to normal, like it was before I left, and it feels like I never left at all.. All my habits are coming back,a nd I don't want that, that's why I need to move soon, to start a new life. To make my last year at home interesting..

Mmmmm..

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Sunday, June 8th, 2008
7:54 pm - One summer too late..
I woke up quite early today, it's been a quiet weekend. In hope that my boyfriend would call me at 9 am, when he finishes work on the other side of the world, I brought my phone downstairs with me.
And surely; 9.15 am, the phone rings. But it's not my boyfriend, it's the one other guy I've been in love with the last 3 and a half years. I hadn't heard his voice in almost 8 months..

He's drunk, we chat for a while, he says it's way too long since we've talked, and wonders whether I could do him a favour, and pick him up in Drammen, and drive him home, coz he fell asleep on an air matress in some random apartment. I politely say that that's not going to happen, and he respects that.

A couple of hours later, I have a missed call, and a text from him. He's wondering whether I wanna go for a swim with him, he's at home, waiting.
The last two summers, I've asked him to go for a swim with me, but it just never happened. When I think about it, we never really did anything else than laying in bed, watching movies, when we hung out all sober. And that was always late at night, so noone could see us.

I call him back, and he convinces me to come along to his cabin to hang out and relax, and to say hello to his two nephews again, coz his family is also there. I say yes. For many reasons; I haven't seen him in 8 months, I have no other plans, and it's the perfect weather for my first swim in Norway..

So I go there to pick him up. He's asleep downstairs on his couch, and left the door open for me, like he always does. So I go straight inside and wake him up. It doesn't feel like 8 months have passed without us almost talking. He looks the same, but his hair is longer, I point that out.
In the car on the way there, we talk like we always do, and it hits me how well we actually know each other. Just because we've known each other for so many years, we can joke about things in the past, and he's a typical boy who points out everything I do wrong while driving. I answer that I'm not the one who's lost my license 3 times, he laughs and agrees. We stop at a gas station and he buys us two bottles of water and a chocolate to share.

When we get there, we see Emil first. He's 5 years now, and Dag asks him whether he remembers me, he nods shyly. By the water is his brother, sister-in-law, step-brother and another couple. I know all the people in his family, and we're catching up. They're asking me about my trip, about school, and they don't seem to be surprised that I suddenly show up there with him..
He pulls up two chairs,a nd we sit in the sun for several hours, just talking, about anything and everything. Once in a while he runs off to chase his nephews around the garden while saying "Watch out! Uncle's coming to get you!", they're all laughing, and I never knew he was that good with children.
We go for a swim at one point, and the water is definately not too bad for Norway.

So I'm floating around on an inflatable turtle on a Norwegian lake, with him floating around right next to me. I don't know why I even came here with him, I thought for sure he'd know that I've had a boyfriend for the last 7 months. Now I'm not so sure that he knows anymore.. I feel bad, and a wave of guilt washes over me, because I have a boyfriend on the other side of the world who works hard to get here to be with me, and whose text to me yesterday started with: "Hello, love of my life. I am getting so lonely without you..".
Then again, I did nothing wrong, it was all very platonic, and nothing at all happened. He was a friend long before anything happened, and will be my friend for a long time. I never even had sex with him, but I was in love with him, and that's probably worse..

After several hours, I drive him home, and we say goodbye with : "Talk soon", coz we probably will..
I drive home, wondering what has happened to him. Has he changed? Has he suddenly realized that after 8 months of not being able to be with me, that I am the one girl he actually likes? He's never been like this, he was wonderful today, what I dreamt he would be like last summer, and the summer before that. But then I could only hope that he'd take time to hang out with me, and bring me along to a family get together.
Why couldn't he have been like this last summer..it's too late now. I have a boyfriend. I decided to once and for all forget about him, move on, realize that his feelings for me weren't as strong as mine for him. And I fell in love with someone else, someone wonderful, who has never played any games with me, who admitted he liked me straight away, who cried when he thought he was losing me. I've found someone who really loves me..

So why the hell does he have to change and be all I ever wanted him to be right now, it's just too late..too late...

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Tuesday, May 27th, 2008
7:58 pm - Some things never change...
I've been at home for a week, and this first week has been alright. I've been too busy to get restless, or almost even miss him. But last night it hit me, and today it hit me even harder.
I am back to where I have always been, and this place just isn't making me happy. I can't help it, but everytime I get back here, I realize more and more that it's not the place for me, it's just definetely not the place I should settle down and spend the rest of my life.. I never thought I would either I guess, but..

Nothing has changed, nothing at all. I go back to work, and people look the same, act the same, and after I've told them about my wonderful trip, I feel obligated to ask them what's new in their life. The answer is always the same: nothing... It's like they've been stuck in a time capsule all the time I've been away..
They tell me about their plans of a charter holiday this summer to someplace in Spain, Greece, or even Cyprus for the more adventurous. All that makes me feel is sad, not for me, but for them, and I vow never ever to become like that myself.

Today, the restless feeling came back, and I hate it, I hate it so much, but I know that I'll never get rid of it while I am still here. I try to tell myself that it'll only be one more year, one more year of school, and then I'll have a bachelor degree that can take me places. Help me get working visas to places I couldn't before. I know that a year will go by fast, it always does. I guess the hardest part is the first couple of weeks. But like the Chinese say: Every journey starts with one single step.

Even though he's not a part of my Norwegian life, and seeing him here will feel a little bit strange, I miss him. I just miss him being here with me, being a part of my every day life. I miss telling him every little insignificant detail of my life, and I miss going to sleep with him next to me, waking up in the middle of the night to cuddle up to him, and to wake up with him saying : Good morning beautiful! My life just feels empty without him, like a big part of me is missing. He's not only my boyfriend, he's one of my best friends as well.
I am terrified that he'll hate it here, and go back to Australia, coz there's nothing I can do then. I have to stay here and finish school, I can't live in Australia right now. In a year I can.. Some part of me is even terrified that he'll suddenly realize what he's jumped into, and change his mind about coming here at all. After all, he's from the opposite side of the world, where the sun always shines and everyone's friendly. Who'd willingly change that for a place where it's cold three quarters of the year, and people are distant and the prices are ridiculous?
All I can hope is that he sees it as an investment in the future, our future. I'll move to Australia with him when I finish school. Ever since I first went there 5 years ago, I knew it was a place I wanted to go back to and live. And if we do stay togethere forever and have a family, I would want him to know my background, my country and my culture, even though it's only for a year.

The only thing that's different at home this time around are the bous. For the last 2 years before I left, there was too much drama, too many wasted tears, too many frustrations over emotionally challenged boys who probably didn't care that much. Now, I'm the one who doesn't care. I'll probably bump into all them over the summer, I already have seen one, and talked to three more. I am not a bitter person, and I don't mind staying in touch, coz some of them are friends of mine, but I don't take the initiative anymore. You want to talk to me? Ok, then talk to me and I'll reply, but I don't really need any of them in my life right now, at all. I'm completely happy with my boyfriend, who's not emotionally retarted and who appreciates me for who I am.
Dag has been friendlier than before, and we've talked several times already, he take sthe intiative, an that's nice. He's the only one of them who I actually was friends with before everything, and he's the only who I ever felt actually cares. He hasn't mentioned Bobby at all, and I wonder whether he even knows. He has to, I've been with Bobby for 6 monts, how can he not know? Anyways, it's great talking to him without stressing about anything, talking to him like a friend, and nothing more. It's wonderful..

Now all I have to do is find an apartment, and move out before the best boyfriend in the world is coming to live with me :-)

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Wednesday, May 14th, 2008
11:05 am - Have I ever felt like this before?
He's at work from 9 to 5 everyday this week, and just sent me a text that said: "Hey baby, just wanted to tell you I love you xoxo".

Yes, we're loving each other, after a lot of ups and downs, fighting, crying in the park, being stuck together 24 hours everyday for 2 months on a boat that was 12 meters long... I love him..

Last Wednesday we got back to Airlie Beach, not a day too early, I'd contemplated leaving several times, not coz of him but coz of the other two guys on the boat who treated me so badly. We celebrate on the boat, have gin tonics and champagne, and the next thing I know we're home in his apartment. We're both really drunk, and none of us remember leaving the boat. We take a shower, and things are blurry, but for some reason we're suddenly both crying, and he tells me he loves me and that he's wanted to tell me a long time ago but wanted to wait until we're off the boat. We fall asleep at 8 pm all cuddled up, exhaisted from being on a boat for 8 weeks..

He was definetely so not the relationship type, and I knew that from the moment I met him. I thought he'd be just another guy who'd be bad for me, and my expectations were non-existent. On Sunday, he'd arranged a surprise cruise for me, in the Whitsundays, but just as we were supposed to leave, the whole thing got cancelled.. Instead we had a picnic and wine in the park. I asked him whether he was looking for a relationship at all when he met me, "Not at all", he replied, "I never thought I'd be in a relationship beofre I even turned 30!" "Well, I am glad you changed your mind", I said. He looked at me and said: "I didn't.....you changed my mind."

Somehow, even though his past is not the past you'd like your boyfriend to have, I trust him. I trust him more than I ever trusted any boy. He makes me happy, he makes me feel better about myself, I always feel like I am the most beautiful girl in the world when I'm around him.

So, here I am.. At the very end of my around the world trip, in a week, I can write a post from my own bed. It's unreal, and I won't realize it until I am actually home. I got way more than I ever bargained for, and in two days I have to leave him..

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Thursday, April 3rd, 2008
2:44 pm
I climbed over a high fence in the middle of the night, drunk, coz we were locked out of the marina. He tells me to be careful, and I give him that look that tells him to stop thinking I am not capable of taking care of myself. "I am not saying that cause I don't think you can do it", he says, without me even saying anything, "I am saying it coz I am your boyfriend, and I care about you and would never want anything to happen to you" I give him a forgiving smile while I jump down on the other side.
When he's climbed over, he goes on board a ferry that's parked there for the night. It's empty, and he climbs in a window and opens the door for me. Our clothes fall off and we have drunken sex on the captain's seat on a ferry going to Arnhem land a couple of hours later.

We get back to our boat and lie down on the bed, still drunk. Suddenly he asks me what I would do if I got pregnant, I said that I really don't know, but that I am too old for an abortion now. He says he knew I'd say that. "Well, it would depend on you", I say, "What would say?" He thinks for a second, and I know that children are the very last thing he thinks about and that he might never even want them, but he answers: "I'd ask, what can I do for you? I wouldn't mind, as long as he wouldn't be called Daniel Sebastian". I laugh, then we fall asleep...

I am back in Western civilazation for the first time in 3 months. Darwin, Australia. I'm freezing cold in some air-conditioned internet cafe, but it's boiling hot outside. I'm having some time off, took a walk by myself into town, had some chocolate milkshake, mayeb have a look in a few shops. I have a need to be all girly again, and that means no boys.. I like being alone sometimes..

Everything is still wonderful, and I wonder when it will stop, coz it most probably will..one day..

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Sunday, March 16th, 2008
1:08 pm
I am in Bali, land of paradise, sun, sand and surf.
I wake up every morning with my gorgeous Australian boyfriend, who starts every day by telling me how beautiful I am, and cuddling me, I love cuddling...

His hair is longer.. And that's about the only thing that's different. I ever feel awkward aroudn him, and he's exactly what I knew he would be like. In a couple of days, we'll take off, sail into the uknown, the remote corners of the world. Indonesian islands. I still cannot belive I am here.. ( hehe, he just came to give me a kiss, so I had to hide this..)

I still have no clue where this will end, but I know that I have ever been this relaxed about any relationship before. I have just coem to terms with the fact that he is what he is, I cannot change him, and what will be will be... Maybe we will end up married with tiny surfer kids running aroud, or maybe we'll say goodbye at the end of this trip. Who knows.. I don't want to think about it, I just want to enjoy the moment for what it exactly is

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Thursday, March 6th, 2008
7:45 pm
There's a monk sitting next to me, and he's burning cd's, when did they become so interactive?
So..I am 24 years old. I kinda don't like it. I never wanted to be 24, and I never thought that was a cool age, 23 was. 24.....I am not sure about this yet, but I don't really have any choice in the matter, so I guess I'll just have to accept it for what it is. My life as 24 is starting out pretty well, in Laos, of all countries possible.

I spent my day tubing down a river, floating about in the sun, having drinks along the way and talking to several blonde Scandinavian boys. I was drunk for about 12 hours, and the last thing I remember, it was about 2 am, and I was having a conversation with an Australian surfer boy and an old hairy man who looked like a pirate, it went something like this:

Old man: I have a really nice hotel room with a biig veranda!
Me: I don't need a big veranda, I need a big toilet!
Old man: I really like that veranda!

We found our way home at some point, and it was brutal to get up at 7 am just to sit on a bus driving on incredibly windy roads for 8 hours!

It's only 4 days till I will see my gorgeous Australian boy again, and I cannot wait to have great sex again! Almost 3 months is way too long!
He told me he'd get me a birthday present, but I told him he doesn't need to, I am not a present kind of person, I just want him. He answered: You've got me already baby. You've probably got me even more than you'd like! I couldn't come up with a nice comeback, but I like having him.. That made me smile...

I just printed out the official boat papers, where mr Basil Diethelm, yacht owner, has signed and written to the Indonesian immigration, that I will be on board his yacht going from Bali, towards Darwin, Australia. Wonderful!

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Wednesday, February 20th, 2008
8:22 pm
I am on a tiny Philippine Island called Boracay. It's as beautiful as it was in the Pacific 3 months ago, if it wasn't for the damned rain. I so want to enjoy my last weeks of travelling, but I find it difficult with the rain pouring down.

I booked my ticket to Bali the other day, and all of a sudden I was filled with fear. Which is weird considering the fact that I have talked about this for three months, but booking the ticket made everything so real. It made me realize that I am actually doing this, and it kinda scared me. Not in the way that I don't want to, coz I do, and I will. But more in the way that I am actually going to spend 6 weeks on a sailboat with a boy I barely know. Coz I don't really.... I have spent about 10 actual days with him, and as he pointed out the other day when I told him I was wearing my jeans for the first time in a while, he's never even seen me wearing trousers. We haven't watched a movie together, and I have no clue what kind of music he likes, except for 80s Rock, but he's misunderstood the whole concept of 80's rock, as far I am concerned.
We do talk on the phone a lot, but lately there's been a storm in Airlie Beach, so he's been out of reception most of the time, and when it finally stops raining there, well.. then I don't have any reception on this island. Ironic, really... I guess we'll have more than enough time to talk once we're stuck on a sailboat together.

I wonder what it'll all be like, and what will have happened when I look back at this entry 3 months from now. But then again, I don't really want to know, I just want to take things for what they're like at this very moment, and then we'll see... There's not much else to do is there?

In the meantime, I'll wait for the sun to come out, so I can enjoy my little paradise in Asia.

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Monday, January 21st, 2008
1:43 pm
I am all alone in a small Malaysian city on Borneo, I decided last minute to not get into the jungle again, as I need to realize my money are slowly but surely passing away, and I am supposed to be on holiday for another 4 months.. Bobby just called and told me he'd be more than happy to give me money so I could join the others on the jungle trip, but I said no thanks.. He's such a sweetheart, but I like to pay for my own things. It's good to know that if I ever run out of money, I can borrow some off him.

I climbed a mountain yesterday, while standing at the top, freezing cold, I felt a great feeling of achievement, that if I can climb a mountain, I can probably do anything I possibly want to do. I am doing so many wonderful things on this trip!

I miss him, every single day I miss him. I'm kind of surprised at how I haven't really ever forgotten about him, even though we've been apart for such a big amount of time. I usually do, but there is something different about this boy, something wonderfully different. I've started telling people I meet that I have a boyfriend, and it feels weird, coz it's the first time in 3 years, but I am slowly easing into being committed to someone again, even though I do love my freedom.. That's what I like about us, we do our own things, and are enjoying it, but still looking forward to seeing each other in 52 days. Almost half way, I can't wait...

I like the fact that I don't miss him in the way that it ruins my Asia trip, coz I am excited about everything I am doing and will be doing in Asia, and I am truly happy to be here, having a good time with my friends. With Charlie it was different, I gave up things for him, and in hindsight, I can see that I gave up too much for him, while with Bobby, I feel we're more equal..

I am just rambling, coz I am a bit bored in this small city, and I am alone, and will go out to lunch and then find something for me to do tomorrow, while waiting for Ingrid & Line to come back from the jungle..

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Wednesday, January 16th, 2008
2:38 pm
Days come and go, smiling, crying, anger, everything in one.
I've left Western civilization for Asian for the nest 4 months. Lousie left me, Ingrid and Line came. I've spent 3 days in a jungle, sleeping in a cave with jungle noises outside, and leeches sucking blood off my smelly feet.
My life is an adventure at the moment, and I wouldn't have it any other way. Plus, I have an amazing boyfriend. Yes...I call him my boyfriend now, it's official, and it's wonderful! My life is wonderful!!!

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Thursday, December 27th, 2007
12:12 pm
"Hello Kine! This is your secret admirer here! I just wantyou to know that I'm gonna kidnap you, and take you to Indonesia on a yacht with me! Mmmwah!"

That's the cutest voice mail anyone's ever left me.. aww!

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Wednesday, December 26th, 2007
7:30 pm - Another year is coming to an end..
Christmas Eve was spent in summer clothes with Kristine and Louise, we had porridge and gingerbread cookies, and too much alcohol. I lost my camera and all my 500 pictures on it, most of them are already on Facebook, but all my Australia pictures are gone.. I wore horrible sandals that ruined both my big toes, I have the worst blisters ever, and couldn't walk all yesterday. I am tired of my stupid druken shenanigans, especially in this city, so I probably shouldn't drink anymore... I'd called Bobby that night, and he won't tell me what I said, just that I was really sweet and said a lot of very nice things. I had a half hour long talk with Pete at 4 am in the morning, and we made up and all is good, I think he was more affected by all of this than he'd ever like to admit. I probably won't ever see him again, but I'd like to keep in touch, coz after all he is a part of my trip as well..

So this year is also coming to an end, and I am on the other side of the world. The year went by fast, too fast maybe, especially these last months. It's difficult to even try to remember what happened before I left home, coz my life is completely different right now,but I will give it a try:

I started 2007 in Italy, Milano, with Joey and Line. School started again mid-month, and I almost moved in with Line, but then decided not to after all. Dag Erik was a big part of my life and I was obsessing over him more than ever, coz after having decided to just stay friends, we ended up together..again!

February was boring, as it always is. There was school, working out, and a wild weekend of partying which included me making out with my brother's 17 year old best friend, Diego. Also went on a 3 day skiing trip to Rjukan with my class, and had a good time except for me getting ill woth tonsilitis..again..

In March I turned 23 years old, the age I had always dreamed about. My birthday was nothing spectacular, as usual, but I did have a small party. I also startedmy practice work in another kindergarten, which filled my days, and skiing and working out filled my nights. Silly me went home with Swedish boy Stefan after a drunken night out, but my heart was still with Dag Erik..

April, and Easter came around, with some expectations..I got my own car again, after having had to borrow my mum's for the last 2 years. And Easter started badly with a big fight with Dag Erik, and us once again deciding on just being friends. Why did we even try?
Easter eve, I met Marius, and that whole drama began, and would last until I left the country..
Went back to school again. And my brother and I visid my father in Sweden, where I got drunk and made out with a 19 year old cute Swedish boy..

May, had the exams as usual. So there was a lot of reading. Of course there had to be something with the boy, and I was torn between Dag and Marius most of the month. Joey and I decided to run away to Dublin, and had a nice long weekend there.

The summer started well, in June.I had another exams, and spent a lot of time laying out in the sun, studying. My grandfather passed away in early June. School finally finished, and I started thinking seriously about not going back there in August. There was work every day, and I took up tennis, which I played mostly with Dag's step brother Olav.

I kept on working all through July as well. There was more drama with Dag, as I once again ended up in his bed after a drunken night out. But there was also the other boy, called Marius, who I kept on ending up with, for some reason
The summer turned out to be the rainiest summer in history, it rained every single day throughout July. The last weekend of the month, I went on a mountain trip with my father and brother, which was a nice change of weekend activities for once.

In August I made the decision to not go back to school, coz I'd rather go off around the world. Possibly the best decision I have made in several years.
I realized I needed to get away from it all, especially those boys, as I once again ended up with Dag, but that was the last time..for now... Instead, things got more serious with Marius, as we met up more and more.
I didn't work for two weeks, which kinda freaked me out, but it's always like that at that time of year.

September came, and I worked as much as I could, saving up for my trip. Nothing special happened, Dag moved away, which left me with Marius and a lot of drama, we had a massive fight which resulted in him admitting he was in love with me. Still don't know whether he actually meant that..and I probably never will..

I left home in mid-October, the first stop is in Los Angeles, with three action filled days with Rose. Our next stop is the Cook Islands, where we are swept off our feet by the Australian sailors, and life is good. In the end of the month, we're off to Fiji..

November is Island hopping in Fiji, which is quiet. Then off to Samoa for an amazing week and lovely beaches. After that, it's New Zealand, and our action packed three fun filled weeks, begin. We meet our new gang, the two swedish and the two Norwegian boys. We do a lot of fun things like Black water rafting nd white water rafting.

Now, its December. The first part, we were still in New Zealand with our boys. It's sad to leave them behind, but we have to go to Australia. We're stying in Manly in Kristine's apartment having a blast. I go up to Airlie Beach to see my sailorboy again, and everything's perfect. I think I'm in love with someone who's actually in love with me back, and thats the first time in 3 years.. I deserved that..
Only 5 days left of this year. Lars and Petter are coming in two days, and we'll spend the rest of the year with them.

Next year, I will travel through Asia with some of my best friends, then I will go on a sailing adventure with the boy I'm in love with.. After that we'll see, but I'll have to go home at some point.

One thing is for sure, and that is that going on this trip was the best thing ever. I love my life and am truly happy again! I've had an amazing year, and I know that next year will be just as good, probably even better!

Happy new Year's!

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